My not so magical first kiss

I've probably known for a long time that I wasn't exactly straight.

The first time I kissed a boy was in 1st or 2rd grade. It is the only time I or my body has ever been violated. X and I had been friends ever since we were in preschool.  He would always invite me over for play dates. I would go up in his attic with him and play with the masses toys. One time we were jumping on the bed together and we laid down when we were exhausted. 

He kissed me.  Full on on the lips.  Next thing I knew he was on top of me.  I couldn't move but he just kept on kissing me.  I told X to cut it out but he wouldn't stop.  He touched me inappropriately and I could do nothing about it.  This happened a few times actually.  I was scared and embarrassed about telling anyone. I also didn't want to hurt X's feelings because we were such good friends. It sounds stupid but when I was in 1st or 2rd grade it was a bit hard to understand.    It has remained a secret--well--untill now I guess.

Now that I look back on that I see connections.  When X was in 1st grade he was already allowed to watch R rated movies.  X probably knew what sex was at that age.  He also probably knew I didn't. I know he remembers that day even now because I had the balls to confront him about it a few years ago.  He just shook it off and changed the subject.

(This topic is quite emotional for me so I know that my thoughts are not as concrete as I would like them to be.  To be clear, I am still a virgin. X did not get further than 2nd base)

I don't blame him. I have forgiven him because you know... we all do stupid things in the past that we wished we hadn't.  For example. When I was in 2nd grade I googled images of hot girls.  I felt so wrong about it that I ran to the kitchen and in tears told my mom what I had done.  I was never good with guilt.. I told her that I did it to see pretty girls and to see what they were wearing but even I know that's bs. I wish I had never done that. And I wish that event could just be deleted from her and my mind.

Anyway, back to the story.

X is still around but we don't really talk anymore.  Thank goodness for private high school. Now I look back and realize that I never once felt anything when X kissed me.  No tingling feeling or anything close to what we saw in Disney movies. Instead I felt like I wanted to throw up. I'd never seen Ariel throw up  when she kissed Prince Eric. I'd never seen Cinderella upchuck when she kissed Prince Charming. What was wrong with me?

This was probably the earliest and only sexual experience I've ever had with a guy.  Or a girl for that matter. It was horrible.

Note: Mom and Dad when I finally have the courage to show you this blog I know you know who X is. When you read this I only ask you to remember one thing. I opened up to you because I felt you were ready. Please leave these stories in the past; actions now will do no good.

This summer Soccer Camp

Her name is Paige. The very first time I met her I knew she was a keeper.  Well not actually a keeper.. a defender (right back to be exact). On the first day of camp we were paired up as buddies.  She was from my state and I immediately wanted to know more about her.  I asked her tons of questions trying to mask my nerves. Where are you from? What team do you play for? Is this college your first choice? Where else are you looking? Thank goodness it was a hot day because I was sweating like crazy. I'd never met a girl that "took my breath away." As cliche as that sounds it's pretty darn accurate in that heat.

Paige. She was stunning.  God I miss seeing her for a whole day.  She had light brown curly hair, dark Brown eyes, the cutest smile, and this girl had soccer swag.  Black cutoff, black shorts, black half-calves, and hot pink running shoes.  She was my height and built to play soccer!

I can remember every time she touched me.  It was a light pat on the back after a sub rotation followed by a "nice job out there!" Every time. I can still feel her soft touch, as if she was afraid to offend me. Paige looked good on the field and off the field (even at the end of our hellish training sessions), she looked good eating pizza and ice cream, God she even looked great with her hair up in a sweaty bun after the game.

I cannot deny.  There's something about her smile that makes me go weak at the knees.  At camp all I wanted was to get to know her.  I wanted to be by her every second we were back at the team lounge. Her curly hair was enough to drive anyone insane.  Her smile though.  Her cute little cheeks and dimples.  Paige. I'm in love and I miss her

My first crush

Her name was Allie. Allie wasn't your typical little girl. She was a mean girl. The popular type who talked about everyone else around their backs, made up stories to get her way, chased the boys (and me) at recess, flirted with everyone she meet and was always after attention.  Well she caught my attention like a fire alarm in the middle of fifth period.

I thought Allie was perfect.  Her dark brown hair, dressed in her white down coat and fuzzy white ear muffs, her mittens and pink snow boots, my goodness! It was just too much. I loved everything about this girl. One day after lunch I followed her to go to the bathroom.  I can remember we talked a little bit (as much as two kindergartners could) and I think I told her that she was really pretty. For some reason I want to say that I kissed her.  I don't remember if that was real or a dream but it still stays with me in my thoughts now.

I'd like to think that Allie was my first kiss but in all honesty I can't remember that afternoon for the life of me.  All I remember was that after that, things changed between us. Every now and then I would catch her looking at me; she would smile and we'd go back to building with our blocks and little toys.  She moved away in the 3rd grade and I haven't seen her since. Allie you were my first ever crush.

Introduction to Middle School Years

Ahhh--middle school.  Many people look back on their middle school years and grimace. They were those whacky, raging-hormone-pre-teen years where everybody seemed to hate everyone else. Sure we had friends, but those friends were always at odds with one another and the word “friend” itself, at times, had very different meanings.  Suzzy could be an angel one moment and a backstabbing b*tch the next.  Well--I couldn’t disagree more. 

 For me, middle school was perfect.  I attended an extremely liberal charter school. It was a public school, but it must have been the most sheltered public middle school in the country.  There were no brawls in the hallways, no graffiti, no drugs, no alcohol, no crazy partying, no hookups or dating, no gangs, no swearing, and no “put downs.” My grade school was truly something special. Call us a bunch of prudes; I couldn’t care less.

To say that all twenty-eight students in my graduating class were friends would be a lie, though, most of us were. We could be ourselves without harsh judgment and that’s exactly what I embraced. In third or fourth grade (I can’t quite remember) I cut my hair short. The length of my hair went from middle-of-the-back length to above-the-ears short. At the time it’s also important to note that I wore black or khaki cargo shorts and the baggiest t-shirt I could find. Despite being called young man, buddy, and sonny by complete strangers, I worked my new look for those few months. I loved it! By no means did I look like your average little girl. I looked like your average little boy, well I guess, just your average tomboy.